Connection in an isolating age

It seems weird and incredible that this is the end of 2011 when the end of 2009 seems like three seconds away.

2009 was another first. The first New Year’s Eve since 3 years that I didn’t boycott with Chrissi.  We were invited to Dana’s house, and boy, that was a strange night, for better and for worse. My ex’s behaviour was only part of the negative things. No, the scary thing was me having a moment where I saw it all coming. We were standing on that hilltop, watching the fireworks, and I was all tense and scared because I knew for sure: “If I don’t make it at the audition, my life will take a step into a baaaad direction.” I was already falling apart for a couple of months – I started to feel it in 2009 -, and this unbelievable strong feeling that my life might turn into a dark hole, at least for a while, scared the hell out of me. I was so glad that nobody noticed.

For better, of course, it’s easy to quote Rent, in more than one way: “What was it about that night? Connection in an isolating age.”

My ex behaved like an idiot, as usual, and my three beloved friends all agreed that it sucked. I remember the talks I had with Chrissi about the it. I remember Dani offering me to drive me home if things got really shitty. I remember Dana, with whom I have hardly ever talked about the topic, pulling me into a wordless but damn damn comforting embrace before we left the house around midnight.

And when we came back from that hilltop, the four of us walked through the village, singing “Seasons of love” while dancing on the street and taking funny photos before the church. We read New Year’s horoscopes to one another (I think we all roared with laughter about Chrissi’s and Dani’s prophecies, because they read like the author had been stoned while writing them).

I think it’s very telling that, even though that was quite a tough night for me, these moments with my friends are the clearest memories I have. There is this feeling of connection and affection that I treasure very, very much.

I was completely filled with that feeling on last year’s NYE. We spent it at Dani’s, just the four of us, no party, just a lovely sit-in with the best food in the world, a little bit of booze and those adorable dogs. It didn’t matter that I was on meds and had some rough days behind me. That night was lovely.


I can’t believe these years went by so fast. Actually, I hope that next year’s NYE will be cool again. Another boycott maybe.

Because now I’m getting ready for the first NYE since 2002 that I spend with my family, and my motivation is really low. Birthday party with formal dress code. Well, we’ll see. My tailcoat is patched and ironed and the best alternative to a dress I can imagine. That already saves the dress code part of the evening.

 I need more coffee.

 Happy New Year

31.12.11 17:41
Letzte Einträge: I know where you sleep.


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