A little bit like dying

When Svea's grandmother died, it was a very slow death. Everybody knew it was inevitable, and everybody cried so much before the actual death that all the mourning - or at least a big part of it - was done before the grandmother died eventually.

Maybe with our love it's kind of the same thing. It was tough love, really. And I cried a lot during our relationship. When it ended, I spent 2 days crying. And since we split up, I wake up every morning, feeling absolutely empty. I feel nothing. And as the day moves on, I move on to feeling miserable. Or keep on feeling nothing, like yesterday and Sunday. Maybe nothing is a bit better than total heartache.

Why, no. It's not nothing. It's a fucking step back. It's not actual heartache. It's my familiar hell of depression: Feeling nothing and like crying at the same time.

I don't know, I am totally unexperienced with break ups. All I know is that I definitely don't fit in the "I spend the next three weeks crying and eating ice-cream" cliché. I feel sick all the time and miserable. That's all. Except for some highs, like VeVa's webinar or a magnificent run through the woods or being hobbit flashed. But these are only drops on hot stone at the end of the day.

I don't know. Maybe feeling nothing is a way of being better in time? Better than crying all the time?

 I don't know.

And this morning, I woke up, feeling nothing, thinking our relationship has died the same way as her grandmother, and the mourning was like back then. And without a warning I sit in the living room, trembling and in tears, and I think: It actually is a little bit like dying.

19.4.11 10:46
Letzte Einträge: I know where you sleep., Connection in an isolating age


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