I know where you sleep.

I know I repeat myself: You still occupy too much space in my mind. You and what you’ve done and what I want to tell you. What I want to tell you runs through my head very oft. It’s always the same.

The things I hear about you these days shock me. Mostly because I’m not able to understand people who behave this way. And I knew you well enough for a long time to know that you do all these things so you don’t have to cope with yourself. It’s ridiculous and irritating.

I have always been stunned that we both face the same shit: Low self-esteem, body issues, lack of ability to express what we want and what we don’t want, lack of expression in general, difficulties to accept ourselves fully… But you run around and smash a lot of precious things so you don’t have to deal with it. You hurt people around you, family and friends. You are ruthless in your manners of procrastination, you behave like a 10-year old and considering that you’re, by now, closer to 30 than 20, that’s quite sad.

It’s not a sin to not get along with oneself. But you don’t even try. You don’t even make an effort. You know exactly what’s wrong – we’ve talked about this often enough – and you don’t bother to make a change but rather cover yourself in your misery or run away and smack down everyone who comes too close to you. Hurt anyone else so you don’t have to feel your own pain. It’s pathetic. Such behaviour makes me angry.

I didn’t even know that I could feel this, but you’re the first person ever to really disgust me.

I find a spark of pride in myself that I don’t deal with my shit this way. In general, I am now able to name quite a few human qualities that I despise because I’ve seen them in you: Cowardice. Ruthlessness. Wilful ignorance. Unkindness. Insensitivity. Inappropriate immaturity. Inability to take responsibility.

I despise the hold you still have over me through your past actions. I despise that you still have a special place because you were the first person for whom I’ve let down my guards completely, emotionally as well as physically – yep, that IS a big deal for me, especially because you used this shamelessly – AND you’re the first person ever who really repulses me. I despise that you have taken and broke my last tiny bit of innocence last February when it wouldn’t have made a difference if you had paid me for sleeping with you or acting the way you did. I despise that I have unconsciously taken over your fear that any touch might hold too much meaning, no matter how harmless, comforting or heartfelt it is. I despise that the scars you inflicted still hurt so much. I despise that you have managed to tear apart even more of my already thin self-esteem.

At least I know now why I’ve let you do this for so long: Not only because I loved you (-“I can never live it down”—uhm.), but rather because I couldn’t and didn’t want to believe that the one person my heart chose to open up for after 18 years would turn out to be such an asshole.

At least I know now for sure that I WILL be able to deal with my shit and to get along with myself. I don’t know how, but I will. Seeing and hearing what a spineless person you are only makes me more determined to get better. I want as much space as possible between me and you, in any possible way.

Of course, hearing about all the stuff you’ve done in the last months makes me wonder even more why you want to meet me. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you must be really desperate to turn to ME for that. You have nothing to expect but a bitchslap from your bitter and cynic ex. It takes a LOT to get me angry, it takes a LOT to stop me from feeling pity. You managed both. Congratulations. And since the dragon within me is already stirred, you better beware now.

This was a rather pointless rant, but it’s always the same on this blog: I write it, I post it and I hope to make it true by putting it out there. Of course, everything in this post is easily summed up in the lyrics of I know where you sleep.

I know the sickening thoughts that slither around your head
I know the gluttonous guilt that buried me in your bed
Manipulate me if you can - Go on and fool me like your biggest fan


I know the arrogant pride that poisons the truth you hear
I know the bigoted tongue that tears away all your fear
Pontificate you faded star - Go on and show me who you really are

You can lie to the papers, You can hide from the press
You can fake it on stage, You can crawl from your cage
You can search and destroy, You can kill and depend on it
I know your tainted flesh, I know your filthy soul
I know each trick you played, Whore you laid
Dream you stole

I know the bed in the room in the wall
In the house where you got what you wanted and ruined it all
I know the secrets that you keep
I know where you sleep

I know the illness behind the image you create
I know the tedious need to turn all you love into hate

You poor pathetic paranoid
Is it just me or do you secretly enjoy it?

You play the victim very well
You build yourself indulgent hell
You wanted someone to understand you
Well be careful what you wish for because I do

You’ve got a fancy turn of phrase
You set your trap
You made your plays
You’re so fond of games
You must never lose
Funny how the only one in your bed is you

Oh my god, Oh my god
I touched you
I can never live it down, I can never live it down
God save the queen
I loved you
I can never live it down, I can never live it down
Oh, oh - I fucked you
I can never live it down, I can never live it down
I can never live it down

You can lie to the papers, You can hide from the press

You can fake it on stage, You can run from your cage
You can search and destroy, You can kill and depend on it
I know your tainted flesh, I know your filthy soul
I know each trick you’ played, Whore you laid
Dream you stole
I know the bed in the room in the wall
In the house where you got what you wanted and ruined it all
I know the secrets that you keep
I know where you sleep.

23.12.11 09:08
 
Letzte Einträge: Connection in an isolating age


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